(Anyone who follows this blog knows I rarely get into personal stuff here,….my posts are usually about, as Sgt. Friday might say, “the tips, ma’m, just the tips.” But I decided to write about this particular experience because I have a sense it may hit home with more than a few of you out there.)
Okay, first let me say that it is not my intention to offend anyone with the title of this post. I kept trying to come up with something less “offensive,” more “appropriate,” more “spiritually correct,” but this is what came to me when I first thought about writing it, although I was really just joking around at the time. After all, it’s not the kind of language I’m normally inclined to use. But then, try as I might, everything else I came up with later felt flat or not “right” and I realized my first hit was the only thing that really captured the essence of my story, so I had to go with it….Maybe a little like an actress doing a nude scene because she feels it’s necessary to make the movie seem more real and authentic?
Anyway, about a month ago I was watching a live webcast that was part of a series on forgiveness by Panache Desai (someone who’s definitely devoted to making the evolutionary process easier for us all). This particular program was about forgiving God/Source/The Divine and I was already aware I had more than a few bones to pick with God and some major forgiving to do. So when we were instructed to vent all our feelings of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, being unsupported, unloved, etc. by the Divine, I happily obliged. I thought I did a pretty good job of expressing and releasing all my pent up feelings so that forgiveness could take place, but in hindsight I now realize it must have apparently been just the tip of the iceberg.
Anyway, I knew at the time I wanted to re-visit the webcast before it was dropped from the series archives, so a couple of days ago I decided to watch it again. But I was multi-tasking at the time and really didn’t get into the venting exercise, so I resolved to listen again later, when I could relax, focus and engage the whole process. But I apparently got a little too relaxed and ended up falling asleep through part of the webcast on this go round. Hmmm, it’s always an interesting development when I go “unconscious” during something, and I took that as a sign that I needed to listen to the whole thing AGAIN the next day, and this time devote my full attention,… no laying down (literally and figuratively) on the job…straight up, fully present and engaged,… and nothing less would do.
So the next day I watched the webcast and once again came to the part where we were instructed to vent/kick/scream our anger and rage at God. Thus began my brief, albeit wild and intense phase of jumping on the bandwagon of God/The Divine being a dumb fuck. I ranted, raved, screamed into a pillow, and opened the lid on Pandora’s box. Somewhere along the way I began sobbing uncontrollably as I got in touch with the times in my life where I felt I had been abandoned by Spirit. The main thing that kept coming up for me was how STUPID God had been for letting things go so far and get so out of whack in my life. Stupid, stupid, stupid ____ was what I kept hearing in my head. What’s funny is, even as I was in the throes of the worst of it, whenever I would conjure up an instance where God had supposedly really been unaware or made a dumb choice in how to support or not support me in life, there would immediately be that part of me that knew what I was saying, thinking and feeling was not only not true but also ludicrous, insane, irrational and impossible, and that it had really been me being unaware or not supporting me every time.
But you don’t want to rush things here. :-) Cutting temporary insanity short by bringing in truth and the voice of reason too soon can actually work against the process. Surrendering to letting it all out and experiencing the density of energies and feelings is very cathartic and, given half a chance, will organically bring you to a point of finally seeing what’s true. No need to try and manufacture some “positive” or happy ending; it will happen of its own accord with allowing the energies to finally be expressed and experienced. In fact, by the end of the session the whole thing was starting to seem pretty funny to me and I felt much lighter and brighter. However, I’ve had lifetimes to build a grudge against God and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s still more there to experience and dissolve, so I plan on listening to the webcast again soon.
The curious thing is, as I surrendered to the fact that it was me, not God, that was the stupid fuck that had created whatever situations I’d been ranting and raving about, you’d think I’d feel really bad (and stupid :-)), but it’s actually been the opposite. Right now the idea of God or me being a stupid anything seems, well, stupid. Hmmm, that projection thing is interesting,…. even when it involves the Divine it is always just about ourselves really, isn’t it?
So, I don’t know if any of you can/will identify with any of this. I think so many of us are, unfortunately, hindered by our spiritual idealism and so used to repressing/suppressing our “bad” or “negative” thoughts or feelings that we can be unaware of or unwilling to look at how we’ve used God as the ultimate scapegoat for all our “missteps.” If any of this rings true for you, then I highly recommend having it out with God asap because a “p. s.” to all this would be something Panache mentioned in the webcast….that our ability to receive in life and to experience true abundance is directly linked to our relationship with the Divine, which, in truth, is really our relationship with ourselves.
Interestingly enough, after my bout with temporary insanity and enthusiastic rendition of giving God what for, I had 3 instances of unexpected income happen later that same day. Now, it wasn’t a lot of money, mind you, and all the transactions/circumstances that generated the income had apparently happened days (and in one instance, months) before. Still, isn’t it interesting to note that I received the income when I did? Hmmm… are you thinking what I’m thinking? That I should have probably gotten pissed off at God much sooner and more often? :-)